A Fistful of Eight-Dollar Bills

The senators have worked diligently to send many urgent and high-priority bills on the fast track to becoming law. Among the pressing issues the senators have pondered and sent flying through the Lege:

Fluoride is a commie plot! Just ask Senator John Harms, who introduced LB36 so local folks can vote that nasty cavity-preventer out of our community’s water. And in so doing, our kids can proudly sport Mountain Dew Mouth. The vote to pass this bill was 41 to 0, with dentists everywhere smirking and sharpening up their little jabby dentist tools.

Barber poles need our help. It seems nobody knows what they look like. (See: Pole Dancing!; Jan. 4) But with the assistance of Senator Tony Fulton, we now, in Nebraska, have an official definition of “barber pole” written into our state law. Final vote on this monumental bill, 49 to 0.

Fences are way up there on the priority list of problems the senators are contemplating here in Nebraska. LB108 absolutely zoomed through the Lege over dire concern that “trees and woody growth” might damage fences. So if your neighbor has a fence and you have a “tree or woody growth” near your neighbor’s fence, keep your “tree or woody growth” trimmed up so as not to damage your neighbor’s fence. It’s the law, Bub. Get that tree saw out, because LB108 passed on a 44 to 0 vote.

Yet another problematic issue in Nebraska is the definition of “honey.” There was such a fuss in the Lege over just exactly what makes up “honey” that the bill to define honey doesn’t actually define it. LB114 passes that honeycomb of an issue to the Department of Agriculture and asks the Department to make up the sticky definition. Senator Colby Coash was the lone dissenting vote against the 41 other senators who cheerfully voted for this really absolutely worthless bill. A Fahrkwhar salute to Senator Coash for having the good sense God gave a honey bee, but not necessarily state senators.

Moving on to another critical issue, we now know what constitutes a “parts vehicle” in Nebraska. Thanks to Senator Galen Hadley, who introduced this real problem-solver of a bill, “parts vehicle” is defined as a vehicle “fit for sale for scrap and parts only.” Who knew? This was such a stunning revelation that all 49 senators voted for the bill. And fear not, the bill becomes law immediately because the wise senators passed it with an emergency clause.

Our state senators spent hours of time in committees discussing these bills and voting them to the floor, then spent more hours of time debating and voting to pass these bills. We pay our senators about eight bucks an hour to represent our concerns in the Lege. Looks like we’re getting what we paid for: a bunch of eight-dollar bills.

So far, not one goofy bill that has made it to the floor of the Lege has been shot down. Perhaps the senators could use a few lessons from Nebraska’s high school trap shooters. (See: Guns are Good, Part One; March 9)



One response to “A Fistful of Eight-Dollar Bills

  • Brian

    The definition of honey does matter a bit more than your mocking gives credit. More and more honey look-a-likes have been turning up, some sketchy substances imported from China. There is no definition of honey, so all of these substances can carry the label “honey” in the grocery store.

    If you’d rather your honey come from bees than from some synthetic concoctions imported from China, or if you’d rather just know which is which, we need an actual definition of honey.

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